Friday, January 03, 2003

I dont blog like i should. really. its beena while since i've said anything. and hmm... i know no one really reads these things, i guess thats why. Maybe i should say stuff if no one's really reading them.

I'm getting married in may to a wonderful guy. thats a good thing about this new year. But it seems like things're getting more complicated and convoluted this year, and i can't really stop that from happening, sadly.

Dad's been having an affair. I"m a grownup and it still ticks me off and i feel betrayed. this girl was only a couple years older than me. I might have gone to highschool with her (eww). And she lives with her parents, and he was going over there and eating dinner with them. Telling them he was a single guy taking care of his ailing mom. My mom takes care of my grandma (and my grandfather when he was still alive) who lives with us. He's such a liar. And the part that really stabs e in the chest is that he said he was single... meaning no attachments. no kids. He denied his own kids. I know my mom isn't an easy person to live with. I know the reasons why its easier to be with someone other than her (though the temptation was there, he should have been man enough to say NO, though, of course)... but he denied his kids.

Meanwhile, he has five kids. I'm grown and out of the house, but 4 of them are teenagers, from 12-18. three of them are in high school. The youngest has leukemia. And instead of being at home with his family, and making that time the best it could be (incase it's all the time the little one has left)... he's off.... hiding from his problems. Hiding from his bills, and the problems he created there (thats another story, dont get me started)... and his kids, and his problems with his wife.

The thing about running away from your problems is... when you come back, they're even bigger, because you neglected them for so long. Going to a movie one night is a nice little escape. Living a whole seperate life?? Only screws things up worse.

The fourteen year old is on suicide watch with school. She lost one of her friends, her sister became ill, then her grandfather died, then her teacher died.... and she just shut the world off. She was a happy kid who stopped smiling and enjoying life. Which is what our cousin John Michael did before he killed himself. And dad's not making it any easier.

He could have told mom in private that he had a girlfriend. No, he had to do it in front of the 12 year old, who has enough problems of her own, and the 16 year old who is finally... FINALLY starting to come out of her problems, no thanks to my parents (she also had a friend die, and she had the same teacher as the 14 yr old a few years before)...

All of them are failing a bunch of classes. Melissa, the youngest, is just having a hard time keeping up with school. She's been on chemo for two years straight. The stuff she's on gives her a lot of pain in her joints (she has arthritis from it) and her little veins turn black and stick out. She gets tired, and has all kinds of pains. They took her off the chemo for now, to see if some of those symptoms go away (i hope she's ok, that she doesn't get worse from being off the chemo)... but her memory's still faulty. Her teacher is a real pain in the ass about everything. Wants melissa to do everything perfectly, which the poor kid isn't capable of. sometimes shes late handing things in, sometimes she's forgetful in writing things down and writes down the WRONG homework... or does it on the wrong paper, and this woman wont give her ANY credit for it. It stresses the poor girl out something fierce. She worries so much about doing it right. And sometimes she worries so much about doing it right, that THAT causes her to mess it up.

Mary, the 14 yr old... is another story. She used to be happy and now she's sooo unhappy. My mom may not be the greatest mom in the world, but she has tryed upwards of twice to get her therapy and my sister refuses. She's not doing her homework, she's mouthing off to her teachers... I wish i could help her. I wish i could help all of them... Its just so frustrating. I want to say to her, to them... if you dont do well in school, you're going to just be making more problems for yourself. you're going to limit your educational and employment opportunities. It's a shame that so much of what goes on in your broken and troubled childhood is so determinant of what you become as an adult.

The 16 yr old, Jen, is either seriously repressing something horrible, or she's actually maturing and developing coping skills and is actually dealing with and processing this stuff. She isnt' doing the best in school, but I think she's passing. She goes to youth group meetings and relys a lot on her friends. She used to have a job, but the people at Panara Bread are slightly evil and she quit. I dont blame her. actually, i kept telling her to quit Its wrong for employers to use people like that.

The 18 yr old is failing like two or three classes right now. He's graduating in june (if he passes) and he hasn't applied to colleges, he hasn't taken the SAT's... he has no job, no friends... no motivation. He just is so crippled emotionally by whats going on. But he's one of those stoic broody guys who holds it all inside. The only time he lets things out is to say "this is stupid" or "you are stupid". He's such an intellegent kid.

All this stuff really pains me. They're bright children who're suffocating beneath their upbringing and the things going on at home. I got out and found myself in and after college. I had a lot of luck along the way, more than planning or skill or anything else. I got a decent job and i'm making y way in the world. I dont know if they're going to do it. I worry so much for them, and i feel so badly for them. I do suffer for them. I guess all i can do is pray and pray and pray that something leads them out of all of this darkness.

My mom... well, now that she's been seriously wronged, the temptation is to overlook a lot of her own flaws. She's never really beena good mother. She doesn't have the skills necessary, or the knowledge of herself. she was abused and totally messedwith in the head as a kid and never came out of it. Now, ithink that she's hitting rock bottom, she's seeing that she IS really messed up and is seeing the need for outside intervention for getting herself fixed. She's hurt me in a lot of ways too... but... i'm really happy she's working on getting fixed.

I guess thats all the umf i have in me to write tonight. I gotta keep saying to myself "Life is difficult, but God is good." because Fr. Scott said so. I'm thinking about ordering his tapes... i feel like i need a pep talk to keep going right now. I dont really talk about how i feel deep inside too often, but my heart is aching. It's been finding entirely new ways to hurt lately. I think it's worse watching someone you love going through something, than going through it yourself. I am having trouble processing my own hurt and betrayal, but whenever i think of how messed up my family situation is, and how bad things are, i think about how much everyone else is hurting. Not because i am some great alturist or something... i dont know. It just hurts worse to see other people go through stuff.

I dont know... maybe i really am out of things to say. before i just thought i was, but now i think i'm full up LOL.

Sooo, blogger. Talk to you later.


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