Saturday, January 04, 2003

mmmkay. Well, saying "no one reads these" is truly the kiss of death. My fiancee asked me why i was pecking away for so long, and wanted to read what i was pecking away at. Maybe he'll actually remember that i have a blogger now. i doubt it, but stranger things have happened.

Hmm....

Well, mom keeps using me as some kind of pillar or something... confidant or something. She always has, even since i was little. And I continue to find out more about some things than i ever really wanted to know. My dad's aparently been frequenting the porno shops and the dirty movie theatres. I mean, it doesn't surprise me, but i'd have been a much happier person not knowing he has a porn addiction (and HE is the one who called it a sex addiction, not me).

Ugg. i dont know. it just makes me feel like everything is so completely and utterly not right inside, you know? I knew things wern't right, but that is just like... whipped cream on top of the icing of the bitter cake of wrongness that this whole family situation has become.

I dunno. Makes me worry about some stuff too, you know? I mean, i know my fiancee and i dont see eye to eye on porn. But it really does make my skin crawl a little.

It IS the objectification of women (or of ANY sex, and of sex in general)... I've known a few subsets of guys that've really reinforced that for me. There're the guys who think that ALL women are objects and merely something for their pleasure or their consolation, or whatever (except for the unpretty ones--as an unpretty girl, i was always subject to being the one these guys told all their girl troubles to.Since i wasn't attractive and therefore serving some kind of purpous that way for them, I was therefore some kind of sexless creature to them).

Then there's the guys who have their classifications for these sort of things... the porn girls are their objects, and they're ok with that, then there're the girls they're interested in, then there're the girls they're friends with. You see how this is all breaking down... It call comes down to sex somehow being a huge player in friendships, and taking such precidence in their lives (course, i've known girls like that too. I know it goes both ways, and it's equally repulsive).

I know there're guys that dont fall into either catagory, or are wishy washy on the issue... but i think it's best to not even be involved with it. I know we live in a world that thinks its natural and ok, or whatever, and a world that doesn't see the necessity, or even the decency in doing without something that is readily available... and i know for some it IS a challenge and a real sacrifice... but i really think folks're better off without it.

I dont know. i have a supreme headache and i have to be up in like 4 hrs for work. I really should go to bed, but i just keep thinking about this stuff... about running into a conflict with my fiancee (whom i love dearly, and dont want to fight with-though our fights're usually really productive)... And i dont want to seem like a big old beast about some stuff, because even though i'm a pretty liberal person, there're some things that i'm morally stuffy about.

I dont know... i feel so uncomfortable all the time about having people think i'm pushing my convictions onto them. And i dont want to be one of those people who's like that, who tries to force everyone to their way of thinking. But yeah, i do think i'm right on a good portion of stuff, and there're some things that it buggs me that people close to me dont see the same way i do on... I think i'm afraid of appearing overly oppinionated because i have convictions... and i do try to have convictions that leave room for learning and growing and changing... and have empathy for other points of view... At the same time... I feel like more permissive folks have their opinions embraced and supported much more readily than i do. The less permissive you are, the less likely you are to have someone shake their head and say 'i understand completely' (even if they dont agree with you)... becuase the more permissive folks get offended that you dont see eye to eye with you... then they do the thing that the uber-conservatives do... they wont let you just have your opinion, they have to try and reeducate you.

Thinking is rather tedious. Attempting to communicate with people of differing opinions is tiring and perhaps futile. I need a ten year nap.

I guess what it comes down to is i want to be REALLY listened to, and understood and empathized with the way i try to empathize and listen to and understand others, and i dont feel like i'm getting that.

I know that's totally off the topic of what i started out with, but... hm. well, i dont know. This train of thought stuff is weird. you start off in one place and end up in another It's kind of nice not having to conform to the MLA handbook.

Going to bed for real now.

I swear.

Nite, Bloggy.

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