Monday, November 17, 2003

having a fat day. tried to put on a pair of pants and they were REALLY uncomfortable. Noticed a few stretch marks a couple of weeks ago too. scale only says three or four pounds addage, but it feels like more and it looks like more. i see the way my shirts sit, and the way they rest onthe bottom of my stomach is how they used to sit when i was my heaviest. it doesn't help that i split a pair of pants. granted they were threadbare, and didn't split on a seam, and the pair had a vertical split in the leg when i got them from my sister, but it sill makes me feel fat and stupid. all that muscle mass from working out is turning to fat, and it's doing so on my stomach. thats how i feel. I'd like to look back at my previous achievement of losing so much weight, and keeping it off for over a year... and telling myself that five pounds isn't a big deal... but it is. I look at it as a failure that i only managed to keep it off, and didn't manage to lose more. I look at it as a failure that i didn't completely succeed. and that i'm still fat, and that i have these failures and setbacks. and that i can't get to the gym and exercize after work because i'll miss the last bus, so then i decided to go durring lunch, which i managed to.... ONCE. then mom ended up in the hospital, then i was spending all my lunches doing homework... i'm so sick of being so damned busy. i'm depressed. i'm not sleeping enough. i'm not exercizing. the days are getting shorter. i hate the cold weather. i just feel like life is over until summer. then i'll be free again.

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