Tuesday, April 06, 2004

just got into a fight with james. i hate that i do all the chores, i hate that he doesn't do anything when he's off, but he expects me to doall kinds of stuff every day after work, and before work (like take out the garbage--which i never have time to do, and never remember). I hate that I keep bringing up the same concerns over and over and he just denies that they're a problem because they're not a problem for him. i'm sick of doing everything to keep the peace. I'm also sick of the fact that he'll shut off aim, or walk out of a room to ignore me so he doesn't have to deal with the fact that i'm unhappy.
I also hate that he ignores me, all the time. when he's home, he's either ordering me to do something, like clean up some mess i made.
He only wants to spend time with me if there's the prospect of sex, i feel. he gets mad that i'm too tired to have sex with him first thing in the morning, and he gets mad when i won't have sex with him late at night, when i have to get up for work the next day, and he pressures me and pesters me, when he KNOWS how badly i need a full night's sleep and keeps me up for like an hour just pressuring me. We just keep going through this. we know the stuff i get mad about, we know i'm not going to put out first thing in the morning, or 5 minutes after I was supposed to be alseep, so why doesn't he just give it the hell up? He knows i get mad that he reffuses to wash clothes and reffuses to do dishes... and then spends his day off doing NOTHING, or if I am home, he spends his day ignoring me and playing video games... why does he do it if he knows it makes me mad??
I'm pissed that he has to do everything in excess. and hour of video games is one thing. but he wants to play for sixteen hours.
he'll play from the time he gets up until WELL after bed time. I KNOW he comes ot bed some nights at five or six in the morningt... then gets bitchy with me that i took up the whole bed. hey, i gotta keep myself warm, and if tucking myself in allllll the way is it, i gotta do what i gotta do.
I feel like we're living two seperate lives sometimes. I "get" to do all the chores when i"m home, which isn't while he's home, and i "Get" to cook dinner and have it on the table every night. and he gets to come home and screw around because HE needs to unwind. Fuck it. i'm good enough. I deserve to unwind. He's not better than me and he should stop acting like it. He's home all day, and I get home second... he should make ME dinner. it won't happen, but i can wish. he doesn't know how to cook, that's fine. learn. but he uses all of the things he can't do as a crutch. i have cook books, there are websites. if he offered to cook one night, and did it, and actually put effort into it, a) i'd be shocked. b) i'd really, REALLY appreciate it. I'm so sick of stuff completely relying on me. I'm so sick of being in charge, and having to do everything of any significance, because if i rely on anyone else, or i wait for anyone else to do it, it isn't going to get done. i just wish he took care of me the way i take care of him. he won't even pick me up from work without a hard time.I want to feel like my efforts to keep him happy were reciprocated. all i get is harassed when stuff isn't clean, or when something doesn't get paid in a timely manner.... I can't handle it any more. I feel like i'm about to have a nervous breakdown. I can't keep the house all by myself. I can't handle making dinner every night. he SAW me paying bills and he was still shitty to me last night that there was no dinner, and that he had to eat a pasta meal. he was SO shitty that it was 9:30 and i was STILL paying bills. i explained that i was planning on doing it earlier but i had to spend a good hour dealing with the toilet, which is now immaculate. no thank you, no nothing. all he did was bitch and keep me up late because I wasn't giving him sex because I spent too long on bills, and I didn't just give him sex so that i could get to bed "sooner" rather than "later" both of which were still too late. I need fucking sleep. I haven't had a whole night's sleep in over two weeks, and i'm seriously ready to kill myself just because being tired will STOP if i'm dead. most days of my life i wish i were dead and the fear of hell is the only thing that keeps me from killing myself. I've wanted to kill myself since i was five and i'm sick of it. I'm sick of living and sick of wanting to die and im sick of talking to doctors and i'm sick of everything. i'm sick of paying for doctors that really couldn't give a shit less about me. they want their fucking money and who cares about anything else. I really just want to die.


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