Tuesday, June 15, 2004

I'm having a bummer day. I want to write, and I just don't have time. I feel like all I do is work. And the time I'm not working, I'm spending getting ready for work, going to work, coming home from work, or making dinner. Then I dink around on the computer for half an hr or hr then go to bed. By the time I make dinner at night I have no energy TO write. I want desperately to write. I'm at a place where i WANT to. NEED to, and I have no time. It's driving me insane. I just want to give up on all chores. I dont want to cook any more. I'm just so tired when I get home.
I'm getting burnt out. On the verge of a panic attack even. This is what happens when I spend all my spair time going to and from work and not actually living my fricking life. I have no money for a car, I have no drivers' license. I'm strapped to the fucking bus schedule. I've missed my meds twice in the last week and haven't been taking them at the same time every day so right now suicide seems like a good solution to commuting. Oh god, that sounds like a sad line in the sad chap book spouted some black-haired Hot Topic victim at a bar that sells greasy steak-filled subs because cafe's are so last decade. Even more reason to kill myself. I don't even fit in with English students and people who have their name on the wall of beer. I need a full night's sleep without someone grabbing my tits all night or waking me up two hours before it's time to get up with the radio I "need" to do all kinds of shit that I will probably never get done because I have no time. I can't write, I can't get done the shit I need to do for me because I'm busy being a responsible fucking adult. I have to leave two hours early tomorrow (which means getting up two hours early) because I have to be a fucking adult and go to therapy like the dysfunctional Avion drinking little fucker that I am. Suicide is prefferable to adulthood. I would like to forfiet my adulthood and go back to the childhood that I was denied because my parents were ignorant assholes and have some fucking fun. I gotta go somewhere and write. I gotta shirk my responsibilities and write without consequences. Making dinner every night is like some kind of ball and chain. I can't go do something else. I have to spend all the free time that I have that also coencideds with my husband's free time with him. I don't have a choice. He's my fucking ride everywhere. I can't fucking go to fucking Permani's, have some fro fro drink with vodka in it, plug in my lap top and write till they close. No, I have chores to do. I have to make dinner every night, or provide money for going some place else to have someone cook for us. I hate cooking. I hate my kitchen. I hate being chained to it. I'm having a panic attack and can't deal with adult life. I wont get to exercize before work tomorrow because I have to go get my head shrunk. My husband will expect me to walk home, then he'll snidely ask if there are comics, and then be pissed if I decided I was more important than comics for one day. And it's not like we do anything together when I'm home. He wants to play video games while I cook and bitches becuase I'm too tired to concentrate on whatever movie he wants to watch. Dear god I just want to do something I want to do for once. That's all. I'm sick of being chained to my chores that I just get harassed for not doing as quickly as he'd like or as well as he'd like or whatever I dont care any more. Jumping off of a bridge seems like a good way to get out of chores right now. I never ever ever want to have kids. I never ever ever want to get less sleep than I am getting now. I don't think it's possible. All I do is work. Or get ready for work, or come home from work and cook dinner. That's all my life consists of. And waiting for buses. I'm so tired of waiting for buses. Suicide is more reasonable than coordinating my daily routines with the bus schedule, which is only really a suggestion, rather than a set time for the arrival of buses. It's only a suggestion of how many busess should be on a rout at any given time. My life is going to suck even worse when my job moves to the industrial park and i have to arrive at work at 11:35 because there's no fucking bus after that that will get me to work before 1:45. i have no fucking other need in my life besides riding the bus. seeing family? visiting friends? unnecessary. I have fucking Pat fucking public transit. Fuck life.

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