Saturday, June 19, 2004

Not feeling too good right now. I dont know what's up. Just bummed on life. Feel like i spent my whole childhood being mom to my sibilings, spent my high school years being mom to my parents and then I spent what should have been the comfortable end of my high school career and beginning of my college career busting my back and hauling ass through college at break neck speed. What the fuck was I thinking? Oh yeah, this is shear hell, being 500 miles from home with no financial or emotional support, I have no friends here at college and my classmates hate me. Thats what I was thinking. So I got out when i was 20 and got this job. It's cushy it pays well and it is sucking my soul. So my early 20's when I should have been learning how to handle freedom with less responsibility, I was working this damned job. Then when I almost had my act together, and was about to be in my mid-20's, when all of my peers were graduating from college, etc., I went and got married. I just want to have fun and stay up late and be able to eat a hamburger without getting sick. I want to do all that stuff I should have done in college but couldn't do because I was working (I'm insanely bitter about how hard I had to work. Putting yourself through school is one thing. Doing it because your parents lied to you about helping,and because your parents didn't give you anythign but a hard time is another. The hard time is what i'm bitter about). that in mind, I think i'm mostly bitter because I feel like all the hard work I've done in life and all the stuff i've missed a) amounted to very little b) is directly related or proportional to the lack of normalcy, support, real parenting and/or love i have recieved from my family. i guess i'm still looking for love from my "family of origin" as my therapist calls it. I'm not going to have it, why do I keep looking for it from my parents? And why isn't James' love enough? I know he loves me, but I just keep getting fucked up, and fucking up over my past. It's so aggrivating. It's frustrating, and it makes me want to quit, often.

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