Friday, June 25, 2004

yaay. the insomnia's back. just what i've always freeking wanted. feels like my meds arn't working either. i feel as bad right now as when i'm not taking any meds at all. i'm not eating right, and i'm just not coping with life in general. I have this insane upsetness over feeling like i'll never be able to handle paying back my student loans. mostly i'm upset for my sibilings and the stuff they're going through right now. i'm just insane-upset. I honestly can't cope with it any more in that "i should probably call someone and get some help right this minute before I do something i'll regret" sort of way. Being suicidal isn't anything new for me. The first time I remember being suicidal is when i was four or five. I just wanted there to be nothing. I had a vague concept of death, that you went to sleep and you didn't wake up, and there was just nothing beyond that. And i envied the dead people.
I keep thinking... life'll be so much easier for james if i'm dead. he gets to go back to kansas and leave my crazy ass family here and he gets a buttload of money from my insurance policy. i jsut have to make it look like an accident.
The messed up part is that i'm understanding again why people do the murder/suicide thing. things just feel like they're *so* bad that you want to die, but you don't want to leave loved ones behind in a situation so awful that you can't bare to exist in it. All I've ever wanted to do was run away with my sibilings and keep them some place safe where they wouldn't be hurt or disappointed or neglected by my parents ever again. I've wanted that since I was 11 or so. And there're times when i'm crazy enough, like tonight, to do some harming to get there. Like... that'd somehow make everything better.
When you feel the way I feel right now, that seems so damned perfectly reasonable. I can't solve the problems for them any other way. I tried being mom to counterract mom's mom. I can only suplement her material stupidity so much. I've tried attempting to constantly smooth things over, i've tried to convince everyone that they needed massive therapy. Crap, i've even called CYS on my own mother in an attempt to do some good for my sibilings. Nothing. What the hell is with this? Nothing I do helps.
I accept that i can't control the situation. However, I cannot accept just rolling over and giving up and letting my sibilings sink or swim on their own. That was done to me, and look at me now. It's almost 2 am and i'm trying to remind myself logically why murder-suicide is a bad thing because emotionally I'm such a wreck right now it seems like a reasonable, rational thing to do. Would I ever do it? no. however, I despise feeling like it's the only thing that'll ever make anything better.
I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling this sense of futility and overrun with negativity. I hate feeling like I'm better off dead, like i have no control over anything in my life--not my ability to pay off my student loans, not my ability to control my weight or what goes into my mouth, not what happens to my sibilings.
Goddamnit. They're all good kids. Why is this happening to them? it's not fair that it happens to them. It's not fair that they constantly get beaten down and told they're worhtless, and not helped in the way parents are supposed to help their kids. It's a parents responsibility to prepare their kid for the real world. teaching them how to balance a check book, teaching them how to drive, signing them up for the sat's, helping them apply to school and fill out the financial aid forms. It shouldn't be a constant fight. There shouldn't be this constant deception, this lying and saying yes, I'll help you, then they don't help you. Or they say they will help you, then when it comes time, they say oh you don't get that. you were toooooo bad. Fuck you, ok. There're a certain number of things I need to accomplish in order to be prepared for the real world and in order to succeed. You brought me into this world, so now you have to help. Oh, you can be a complete and total fuck and say no, i'm not going to help you, like Leo's family, but at least they were fucking upfront with him. You assholes lie and lie and lie and say you'll help, then go back on your word. Or you use teaching us how to drive, or signing us up for the SAT'S as something to blackmail and emotionally torture us.
grow the fuck up. you people are supposed to be the parents, not wounded 17 year olds in charge of freshman. act like fucking parents. quit taking everything sooo fucking personally and then reacting on their level. quit with the petty emotional REACTIONARY parenting. Ever think of coming up with consequences ahead fo time? ever thought of sticking to your guns on pre-ordained punnishments?
Fuck you. you wonder why we dont behave. Do you want to know why we don't behave?? Because even if we're still 99% good, you'll blow that one thing we didn't do exactly the way you wanted out of proportion... oh we wen't grateful enough, we weren't polite eonugh, we didn't clean this one thing... and you deny us stuff we NEED. you keep expecting perfect children. and if you just beat and emotionally torture us enough and let us know how angry and pissed and hurt you are because we're not perfect, we'll suddenly wise up that we need to BE perfect, and just fucking get that way
get in the goddamned real world, idiots. mom, you have this fantacy of the way children are supposed to behave and the way motherhood and married life are supposed to play out that're idyllic and entirely not in keeping with... oh... say, REALITY? then you flip out and take it out on us when we dont live up to your expectations. you treat us like we're fucking satan children who're stupid and evil and not worthy of your love, time or attention.
guess what? We may be "disrespectful" but the way you behave, you dont DESERVE our respect. you act like a petty child who's been left in charge. You abuse your power. Oh yeah, and we were never taught anything properly growing up. not how to wash the dishes properly, or how to be diciplined, self-sufficient people who remember it's gym day and take their gym clothes because YOU NEVER FUCKING TAUGHT US. Not by reminding/checking up on us, or example. All you would do is YELL AND SCREAM AT US WHEN WE DID IT WRONG then wonder why the fuck i could forget my clarinet every freaking wednesday for like two years. God fucking dammit, what the fuck is wrong with you? why are you like this? why do you think this EFFECTIVE? are you fucking crazy? because the definition of insanity is doing the same fucking thing over and over and over and EXPECTING DIFFERENT RESULTS. you asshole!
And dad... another immature baby if i ever saw one. mom is impossible to live with. i'd like to fucking escape myself sometimes. ever wonder why i hid inmy room so much? it's because she's psycho and all she does is wound you psychologically and emotionally most of the time you're in her presence. but that gives you no excuse to be as soul suckingly selfish as you have been. you wasted all the family's money on yourself and your impulses and your problems. i will probably always hold it against you (may god have mercy upon me) that you didn't get me anything for my birthday this year, after i specifically asked you to, nor did you call, and that last year you didn't get me anything or call or anything but you had enough time and money to stop at the atm 7 times on my birthday and get money for your hooker and your hooker's drugs.
and always always with getting your way. we're your kids. we are not your servants, we are not your slaves. we actually require your time and attention and interest.
and you used me. basically me playing softball and being in the band were so that you could look at hot high school girls. and i know all the ones you had things for. it's disgusting. they were my age, dad. it makes me feel insanely inadiquate because i'm an ugly kid, and i was a means to an end.
i'm still pissed about how you had money for stuff you wanted, and we never had money for stuff we needed. it fucking kills me how hard i worked in college and how poor i was, how bad my diet was, because i was living on the cheapest possible foods i could buy, and feeling guilty for every "unnecessary' penny i spent on stuff like cheese and meat. It's a fucking wonder i didn't get scurvy or something. and not having money to afford books? you dirty fucking goddamned liar. you said all i'd have to do is work to pay for my rent, and you would take care of living expences. food, clothing, and books are living expenses. that was mean, thoughtless and cruel to lie to me like you did, to leave me to fend for myself 500 miles away like you did. If you were going to be a dick and not help me at all in college, you could have just fucking said.
and i'm so fucking sick of you two holding over my head everything you've ever done for me. You're my fucking parents. it's your obligation to do that shit. when you do something spectacular and go above and beyond the call of duty, give me a call> better yet, when you meet all of your obligations as parents, lemme fucking know. i'm 24 and i'm STILL trying to get my drivers' license. charlie and jen are probably not going to college becuase you wont fill out the financial aid forms, and charlie still hasnt' taken the SAT. you idiots act like it's a big fucking surprise. you knew what grade they were in!! you had two years with jen and three with charlie. but no, you fuckasses were ccaught in your own private melodrama!
mom, i have no clue why you think that staying with dad isfor the good of the family or for the kids. yeah, you fighting with dad at 3 am and depriving of them of sleep every fucking night is really fucking helpful.
you two fucking idiots should have resolved these issues years ago. dad you're a selfish asshole, and we already covered that. mom, i dont know why the hell you thought that your issues with dad's behavior woudl somehow go away or be resolved if you just worked harder, or prayed harder, without actually saying how you felt about his behavior until you exploded. the passive-aggressive shit sends mixed signals. you avoid dealing with it, avoid dealing with it, avoid dealing with it... then BOOM you're mr. hyde, and you're trying to control him, or us into behaving and reacting in exactly the manner you would like.
Oh yeah, and my feelings are not my fault. i hate that ou tell me that when something makes me angry, or if i dont like your behavior or attitude, or something you're sayign./doing, that i's MY fault. my feelings arn't my fault. i'm sick of hearing shit like "what hell do you have to be depressed about?" or "why the hell are you upset? all you have to do is go to school. thats your job. its the one thing you have to do, and you can't even do that right."
I'm so sick of hearing that i can't do anything right, that all of my problems are related to my weight, adn i'll never be able to fulfill my dreams because i'm too fat, too lazy, or too stupid. you used to do that to me as a kid, and it would absolutely kill my spirit. i'd say i wanted to sing on stage or something, and you'd tell me that i'd have to lose weight first. or you'd tell me that i was too lazy to keep up with lessons. You wonder why charlie and jen are afraid of trying?? i was so afraid of trying, because i knew failure would be met with ridicule. failure isn't an option with you. especially if it's a failuyre or a mistake that's going to cost you money.
my ability to try and make mistakes is worth more than whatever you paid for me to sign up for xyz.
tight fucking ass. i never got to do ANYTHING. ANYTHING that cost money as a kid. nothing that might have helped me develop any of my skills or tallents or enrich me in any way. i was interested in piano but couldn't take that because that cost money but clarinet was free. the only reason i got to play softball was because that was dad's thing, and he got to be big shit. i dont know how much the sign up fee was, but i'm sure you thought it was unreasonable and wouldn't have paid it if you could have avoided it.
fucking cost of having kids, asshole. i'm not criticizing you for having five kids. I'm criticizing you for not sucking it up and dealing. i'm criticizing you for taking all of your problems and issues out on us, i'm criticizing you for killing our spirits, stealing our childhoods and sabataging our futures. Happy fucking father's day.

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