Thursday, July 29, 2004

i really hate myself.

i know it seems like i all i do is bitch here about the awful things going on and never talk about the good things. that'd be because i never need to spew the good things out the way i need to spew the bad things out.

i got a lot of things to say today. i'm really depressed. I'm really depressed. and incase you haven't noticed i'm really depressed. and i dont mind saying it because i know not a fucking soul in the world reads this thing.

my sister said it best, 'it's not so much that i want to die, i just dont want to live.' yeah. thats it. right there.

I know i'm not good with the money. i know i say to myself every month that this'll be the month that i do what i intend to do with the money and end up failing every month.

and i can't seem to have a discussion with anybody about anything. all i do is either roll over and let them have their way, or yell. i dont even know what to do about that. i seem to have no communicative skills what so ever and all and it makes me want to just hide in the bottom of my closet and never interract with people ever again because i know it's wrong to fight but i can't find a way around it. i know it's wrong, and I can't stop the inevidable. like i can't make right choices with the money. i just CANT. i want to, and i just can't. Like eating right and exercizing. i just CANT. i try, and i fail. i get upset, i get stressed, and the binge happens and is over before i've even thought about it. mostly i just can't deal with my life. i have absolutely no coping skills for all the problems in my life.

i can't cope with life any more. I dont know if i ever could. i seem to have periods where I can btu those seem to be getting shorter and shorter.

I wish james would pick up SOME of the slack. normally, even when i AM functional, i still do more than him around the house. he doesn't do MUCH and usually he only does it after i start screaming. I dont want to scream to egt things done. thats how my mother operates. at the same time a) i can't do everything, or MOST things and b) I wish james would have some mercy and take SOME pity on me and pick up the slack a little when i can't function. i asked him to do dishes today because I HAD to take the car back, and he wanted ME to go get comics, in oakland. yeah, he wanted me to drive out there and park in week day traffic so that HE could have HIS comics. i dont even have time/energy/desire to read them any more. half the list is stuff he reads exclusively. I dont really even pick UP stuff for me any more because its a waste of money (most of the comics we buy are, and ic an't get him to cut the list--we go through this every month, or every other month. same old argument, same waste of money). but he couldn't do the dishes. I can cook. and he gets pissy when we spend too much money eating out, and he gets pissy when i dont make dinner, but he wont do the dishes. I just can't cope with that. i really can't. that is just so overwelming to me and really just makes me want to slit my wrists so the hurting will stop.

I know have trouble with yelling and getting angry ove rthis stuff, and I can't find some rational way to express myself. but im so sick of his attitude that i'm completely wrong, and the entire situation is becuase I am wrong. no. he's partially to blame. and when i ask for an apology i get a crappy "i'm sorry that you're angry" thing instead of i'm sorry for the thing that i've done that isn't right, or isn't fair to you. what it sounds like he's saying is i'm sorry that you dont think i should get to to just do whatever i want when i want. i'm sorry that you have a problem with me being a big jerk, and it's really damned inconveniant that you wont let me disrespect you, hurt you and insult you by not helping out around the house enough, demanding too much of you, and not even honoring you or your feelings with a proper apology.

my feelings are important too. they may not be important to you. i mean, that much is obvious by the fact that you yell at me over every single little thing in the car. learn how to pick and choose your battles, please. the car being perfectly pulled into a parking space isn't WORTH you being mean and nasty and hurting me the way you do--then getting angry and blaming me when *I* get angry and fight back. Do you have any idea how badly you hurt my feelings when you start getting nitpicky about my flaws, or my driving mistakes? especially since a) you're not perfect b) you dont keep a perfect house--you just expect ME to, and c) you are not a perfect driver. you do things i dont approve of, like the way you break hard and stuff.

you ask too much of me. you especially ask too much of me when i can't even function with doing the things I need to do. I honestly can't make dinner right now. emotionally, i just can't do it. i can't do it in a dirty kitchen, which is a huge turn off. i also can't bring myself to clean the entire kitchen because you reffuse to help. please, dear god, i'm begging you. respect me enough, or at least take pity on me enough to help. i can't do it all, and i can't even do IT any more. my mom neglects everything because she's too depressed to function. i dont want to do that. but it'd be nice if you a) did your share, at least, and picked up more of the responsibilities perminantly and b) helped me out in my times of need.

i can't do it, i can't cope any more. i can't handle always getting a hard time. everything's a hard time all the time, and you're always angry at me all the time, and you're angry at everything. you're angry at the traffic being too loud, and that's somehow my fault. I can't take it any more. I dont want to BE together, if all we're going to do is fight when we're together. and honestly, i dont think that i have the emotional ability to stick it out. i just want to hide in my closet until the depression goes away or kill myself. i'm probably under medicated. I probably need to be in western psych, but i can't do it, and i can't do it alone. i can't cope with everything alone.

I need sleep, i need to eat regularly i need to get exercise and i need to take my meds, and most of those things haven't been working properly lately and thats only making matters worse. i know you hate dealing with my mom and dealing with my family and you hate that i invest so much time into them. maybe you need to leave me here to drown with them because basically we're all going under. i can't handle all of their problems, and i can't turn my back. so maybe you'd better just give up. it's obviously not working. i love you. i hate fighting with you, but i'm losing this personal battle. I dont have enough energy to put into saving me, much less making US work, especially when i'm the only one working on it. i love you but i can't handle it any more. i know you hate it here. a lot of times i think to myself that things might not be better, but they'd work out if i were dead. then you'd have the insurance money and you wouldn't have any reason to stay here where you're so obviously miserable. i cant deal with my issues much less yours or my families or anyone elses. I want to be a good person. i want to take care of everyone, and i just can't do it.

i dont want to turn into my mother


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