Tuesday, December 14, 2004

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

or Ready, Set, Seasonal Depression!

That crap about Christmas being the most wonderful time of the year is not only a crock, but a flaming sack of shit. It's just a cover-up for it being the single most miserable time of the year, or at least the launch of the most miserable time of the year.

I don't think Christ was born in December. I think it's just "their" way of trying to trick you into thinking winter isn't hell on wheels. But it just starts with the disappointment of unfulfilled emotional expectations at Christmas (y'know, thinking your family will actually care or treat you like a human being for the holidays) and the world just gets dimmer, darker, colder and more bleak for all of January and February.

You think the winter'll be OK because of all the pretty lights lighting up the night and the special activities like tree decorating, or ice skating. And just when you need them most, Christmas and New Years is over, all that stuff comes down, and you're stuck with nothing to do or look at for two or three months. All you can do is sit there and be sad.

Or at least I do.

I need to move some place warmer. Some place closer to the equator where the winter days are not quite so short. Ok, so i have serious seasonal depression. Other than a lobotomy, bullet to the brain, or moving south, I dont think of anything that's going to make the next three or four months bearable. It's already started. In fact, it all suddenly happened today when I had to go grocery shopping in the cold and snow. It's like it'll never be warm and habitable again, and I'll never feel happy again. Right now I hate myself and the fact that I don't want to do anything, not even fun stuff I enjoy, not taking care of my house or grocery shopping. That was SO hard to force myself to do today, and it was mostly because I didn't want to have to go out and get food for dinner because that would be EFFORT (but I started crying when I got home from shopping, and spent my time doing that instead of fixing dinner so I have to go out anyways). I really, REALLY can't handle it. Not daily living, not the problems that arise, not the stuff that used to bring me pleasure--there isn't ANYTHING that I'm capable of dealing with in the winter. I'm on medication, and I thought it'd help me through the winter because I've been on such an even keel for the last six or seven months since they upped the dose but it's not working. I either want to crawl into my closet and never come out, or just kill myself to stop the agony

I honestly feel like I need to be checked into a mental hospital for three months out of the year. What the hell do I do about that?


Blogger Gretchen said...

Tammy, I'm so sorry you feel this way. I know words don't help, but I do understand how you feel. I used to deal with seasonal depression when I lived up north. Unfortunately, moving to Florida hasn't helped much, because, as it turns out, I think my depression is more than seasonal. Add to that the fact that my first three months in Florida were nothing but rain and ... Well, anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I feel you, and I'm sending happy thoughts your way and hoping you pull yourself through the long hibernation.

11:49 PM  

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