Sunday, April 24, 2005

comicon part deux

1) slowly but surely transfering Sat's pictures... it'll probably be at least until tomorrow night before Saturday's pics are up. I couldn't believe how many I have. It's like over 100.

2) Terry Moore was very awesome at both the quick sketch and the Tea Time event. I almost forgive him for going like 50 issues without giving a single person in that book a single happy moment. He said he's getting better. So I guess I can let it go.

3) The Spider-girl people have discovered that Mayday is a victim of her own life, which I knew like 15 issues ago, and are correcting the problem. Also awesome.

4) I'm kinda depressed about writing for a few reasons. It was actually sniffly teary-eyed before I had actual dinner and a nap. Cookies do not a good lunch make. I'm still bummed, cookies aside. I haven't been able to motivate myself to finish much stuff lately, mostly because I don't feel like anything I do is any good. I wish I had someone objective to show something to, and they could tell me if I should stick with the day job, or keep plugging away. My professors in college wern't encouraging because I wasn't writing "literature," my husband and I met because he wanted to proofread my stuff to get a first look, so he's hardly objective, and I really don't have any 'friends' that can read my stuff and make real comments. I don't know what it is that I need to learn, and I don't know what it is that I need to do. I feel inadequate, and that sense of inadequacy prevents me from actually finishing anything and sending it off to somewhere. This is all tied back to my mother who always told me why I couldn't do things and why I sucked "you can't do that, you're too lazy, you can't do that, you're too fat," so I stopped not only telling her my dreams and HAVING dreams but doing ANYTHING I could possibly fail at. Yeah. Great way for a wanna-be writer to be. Sometimes stuff's crappy and you have to rewrite, or sometimes it just doesn't work... I actually can't take it. I get all those old feelings back of my mother telling me that I suck or what I've done sucks and that I'll never be good enough. I'm sure it'd help if I were still going to my therapist on even a semi-regular basis. I actually almost took up drinking today over it.

5) I will continue to suck until what time, if any, I am the recipient of massive amounts of therapy or divine intervention. I'm sure either will do it.

6) In lieu of actually aquiring self esteem, I will continue to suck indefinately and feel inadequate.

7) I fricking had cookies for lunch. I still want to barf when I think of it. They were good cookies, but holy hell. They were fricking cookies, man. I'm probably going to put on like ten pounds between today and tomorrow. I had a salad for dinner, trying to balance it out (it's like drinking a diet coke at a hotdog eating contest), and now I'm hungry. Oh well.

8) Incase you were wondering, I still have a sore throat.

9) All my fricking plants are covered with plastic bags. Hopefully it will protect them, and they won't die. Fricking hell, it's almost MAY. Can we please just not have snow for a FEW months out of the year. Yeah, I know this is tough.

10) Totally feeling better about being a complete lazy sop and not planting the daisies and other perrenials or the basil and herbs that I have. They'd have been hosed with this snow. It's so fricking cold outside. I feel guilty about letting Jenn walk home alone.

11) Kafkaesque continues to be a stupid word.

12) I am conflicted about zombies. They're very in right now, which makes me feel less cool for having started that stupid Bob story before they were quite so much back into fashion. I feel like they're not cool because everyone likes 'em or something. Like I'm too Indy for zombies. I kind of felt that way last year about vampires with all the vampire films that came out. I want acceptance, and I don't want to feel like the things I write about or enjoy are so far out of the main stream (I just wanna be liked), but at the same time, I don't want to be a mindless pedantic little consumer drone (I wanna be a unique fucking snowflake, dammit).

13) There is no 13. You know. Like those buildings that don't have a 13th floor. But really DO have a 13th floor, it's just CALLED the 14th floor.

14) I wish I were one of the cool kids.

15) I just wanna be loved. By my mom, I guess. James loves me, and likes me and likes my stuff, but it still doesn't fill that part of me that's still needing something. I suspect it's my mom to love me unconditionally. Fat fucking chance. Oh well. I really SHOULD take up drinking. It makes about as much sense as anything else in my life right now. That's so fucking Kafkaesque. I fucking HATE waking up in the morning and discovering that I'm a giant bug.

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