Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Sad day

Yesterday I was bemoaning the fact that I'm going to be working a lot of 6 day weeks to earn time to be in Oakland for a week in July for classes, and a week in June to visit my grandmother.

It's a moot point now. She died this morning.

I feel so guilty that I didn't talk to her after the diagnosis. I only spoke to her once the entire time that she was living down there, and I didn't talk to her much when she lived here. She wasn't a nice person or an easy person to deal with. I was mostly going down there for myself, so *I* wouldn't have guilt about not seeing her before she died. I kind of have that same guilt now, multiplied by the fact that I'm a selfish asshole and that I wasn't there for HER. Now it's too late.

She was so miserable and unhappy in this life, I hope she's found happiness in the next. I hope she had the chance to make her peace with God before she went. I'll have to trust her to his mercy.

I thought there'd be more time. They said six months. They said there was more time.

I know we can't pick our day or hour, and that things never go according to plan. I feel guilty for knowing this in my brain and not in my heart, and not taking matters into my own hands and doing something to repair the relationship earlier. It's always been awkward trying to talk to her. Well, that's not true, it was easier when I was a kid. I don't know what happened. I turned into a jerky teenager, and by the time I was better, she was more antisocial than I was.

It's so hard for me to wrap my brain around. She was so far away, living with my aunt, I'm so far removed from all this. In a way, I chose to place myself here. God, I'm such an ass.


Blogger Jenn said...

hey its been forever sincei read this. i know how you feel becuase its just the way i feel, i guess we all could have done more , but in the end i think she knew we all loved her , or she wouldnt have wanted to coem back.

8:57 PM  

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