Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Dear Internet, I've been violated.

HORRIBLY violated, I might add. The Lightening Express... or should I say... horrible violater of my ass not only shot water (and my shorts) so hard up my inner innards that it caused bleeding, but my arm brushed against the smooth wall of the slide at about 80 mph, and I have a third degree brush burn. They may have to amputate. This stupid water slide gave me a wedgie so deep that there were clothes up my ass that I haven't worn since kindergarten. They also make you walk up like 8 stories for the privelage of being horribly volated by a waterslide and not even bought breakfast the next morning by it.

And yes I need to talk about this to the entire internet because a) I know the internet can keep a secret and b) I need to just get this off my chest. And if Dooce can talk about pooping so hard you pass out, I can talk about this.

I also fried on a rainy day. Yeah, it takes skill, I know. I can see the lines the little spaghetti straps of my bathing suit made on my skin. Oh yeah, and while I'm thinking about it, I'd like to discuss (or at least mention) how on THE LIGHTENING EXPRESS (see above) when I got to the bottom and stopped going forward, the water continued to rush past me and pushed the top part of my swim suit down. So um, everybody over there was blinded by the supreme and frightening whiteness of my "round milky breasts" (see, I could TOTALLY write romance novels if, y'know... writting REAL books doesn't work out for me). I think it was just one female lifeguard and whoever went down the less... enima-tastic slide next to me.

What ear plugs totally didn't work. Got water in both ears, which is bad because my ears drain about as good as a Florida swamp. I've got earaches already. My knee is making funny popping noises, my ankle is thoroughly achy, and I forgot to take my watch off in the wave pool.

Oh yeah, and I flashed everyone on The Phantom's Revenge at Kennywood too. Don't know how THAT happened. All i know is that I looked down after one of the hills and realized I could see my bra because my shirt had flown up around my armpits. I tried to pull it down but really didn't make any headway until I was back in the starting gate. I'm going to start wearing full body armor before I do battle with amusement parks.

All-in-all, it was a pretty good day. The only thing that could have made it better was swimming with dolphins, taquitos or exploding.


Blogger HMC said...

That's a far better story than the time when I went to Great Adventure with my sister and road the Cyclone in my bikini top and shorts. I was just grateful that my free-swinging boobies were not caught in the picture they take at the end of the ride. =(

7:25 AM  
Anonymous Pablo said...

OMG I think I just shat my pants. that has to be about the funniest thing I've ever read. You have a way with words my dear...a very funny way.


9:50 AM  

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