Wednesday, August 17, 2005

I keep having this dream...

It's not like the dream with my grandfather, where we just drink coffee and stare out the window of the place where he used to work, and talk. The dream where I can't see anything because it's so bright, all I see when I look out the windows are the reflections of people moving around the store. And where he eventually says without any condemnation or regret that he has to leave, and I feel sad, but I know I'll see him at the store again.

This new one I keep having over and over. I guess we're in the room of the funeral home where my grandmother was layed out. The room has a warm, pink glow, and it's night; the lamps are on, and I see them glowing beneath the thick curtained shades. My grandmother is there, in the pink dress and fake pearls she was burried in. She's standing up, I believe, and I'm sitting. And she's talking to someone sitting caddy-corner to me. It isn't a pleasent or unpleasent conversation, but I'm frustrated because I can't get her attention.

It's like I'm not even there. And I keep saying... grandma, I just want you to know that I love you. You know that, right? Do you know that I love you? Eventually she glances at me, the way my dad does when he's trying to ignore you, and she walks away. Back towards her coffin.

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