Thursday, October 13, 2005

Self-loathing level

I think I was at self-loathing level orange all week... things've just been going that way, and now, tonight, I'm at red. I'm not sure it's possible to hate yourself any more than I hate myself right now. I put on like three pounds since I started the more intense jogging routine. It seems counter-productive, or something. I don't know. I feel like I can run all I want, I can go to the gym all I want, and I'm still going to be a freak. I'm still going to be just a fat chick jogging. I'm tired of being this grotesque creature that people look at funny. Shit I was so tired of looking at myself in the mirror tonight I had to take off my glasses less than a third of the way through. There arn't even words for how much I hate myself, and my failures at losing weight. I don't know whatI'm supposed to do, or how I'm supposed to do it. All these stupid diet plans (and I have tried them ALL... shit I've been dieting since third grade) assume that you dont get up off your lazy ass, and that's why you need to lose weight. I can only do a 1200 cal diet for about a week before I stop losing weight, then when I'm finally so hungry I start eating what I normally eat, which keeps my weight stable, I end up putting it all back on, and usually then some. I've done the 'and then some.' Honestly, I can'/t keep my damned hand out of andy's bucket of diabetes if I'm starving, and I'm sick of starving myself. All these idiotic diet plans have retarded suggestions like "gardening" or "playing outside with the kids." which I guess is great if sloth is the cause of your obesity. I honestly do as much as I can physically handle. And as soon as I can handle more, I DO more. What the fuck am I supposed to be eating? No plan a doctor has given me has ever worked. Either it just fucking doesn't work, and I stay the same fucking weight I have been at for the last three years, or I can only handle the hunger so long, and I end up off the diet, or cheating like mad in a very short period of time. I don't have a portion control problem. If anything, I underestimate how much I need to eat, then I end up snacking. I don't know what the hell to do any more. I just feel like the world's biggest loser. I feel like I can't do anything right. the ADD has been KILLING me lately. I can't get my homework done bcause I can't sit still long enough to do it. Then I hate myself for being "lazy" or "stupid" or whatever else I've been told since first grade as being the cause of my inability to finish what I start. I just hate myself so much. What's wrong with me?? Why can't I be normal?? I'm tired of failing at everything that I set out for myself personally. I'm tired of not living up to my own standards (and lately, anyone elses' aparently)... i'm just so sick of life. And my husband's going to take that as a personal affront, but I can't help it. It's not him, it's me. And I'm not saying that as the biggest blowoff line of all time... it really is me. I was fucked up before I met him, and I'll continue to be fucked up. I've actually been contemplating surgery, because I'm so sick of being 'fat chick running.' I'm so tired of people looking at me in the gym, seeing how hard I work, then turning their nose at me because they also see that this work goes NOWHERE. I'm sick of the gym staff "encouraging" me. I'm sick of the doctor deducing that every single fucking thing I come in for including strep throat is being exacerbated by my weight. Look, fuckass, if I could take it off, I WOULD HAVE. I fucking did 188.5 credits of undergraduate work in 1 year. I wrote a novel in 30 days. I'm going to graduate school and working full time. I've been fucking published and I've fucking sung in public. MOTIVATION IS NOT AN ISSUE. They just act like I'm either too lazy, or too stupid to understand "eat less, exercize more." Oh yeah and I'm so sick of hearing "the key is burning more callories than you take in." That's fucking great, but I think I've broken my body from 17 years of dieting, and it doesn't fucking do what I tell it to at this point. If I could have figured out how to do this, IT WOULD BE DONE. Do you think I enjoy being viewed as inferior because I wear my issues on the outside, instead of just being neat and tidy alchoholic, or someone with rage issues like my mom. I ALMOST hate society more than I hate myself. ALMOST. NOT QUITE. *I* still have to look in the mirror every day and see what they're seeing--a hideous freak. There are days when I think hey, i'm ok. I can almost live with myself. I have a cute face. But really, that's just me consoling myself. I'll always be a mutant. I used to believe you could do anything you put your mind to. If you worked hard, you could achieve any goal you set for yourself. Well, I've worked hard. Goal not achieved. FUCK.

1 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't know you but it seems you have a low self esteem.. obviously it's a weight issue... you have been working out and eating right.. when people do this over an extended period of time they gain weight from growing muscle mass and they also tend to plateau at a certain amount of weight loss making any further weight loss a little bit harder. I wouldn't suggest running or jogging unless you like to .. try using an elliptical machine or swimming for cardio.. also I have been with curves for a while and have had success with them... my suggestion would be start with crunches.. do as many as you can until you literally cannot lift yourself off the floor ... rest a few and do it again... if your abs do not hurt the next day then you need to do more. crunches.. knees bent lying on soft surface, arms crossed thumbs in armpits and hands gripping your arms. You will not see results for a while.. other than being able to do more the next time you attempt it.. if you want some support or input about exercising let me know my e-mail is Vivasektion@yahoo.com

in all this I really do feel for ya girl..writing about yourself in such a damning manner made me shudder 8(

8:53 PM  

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