Friday, November 25, 2005

My heart will go on

and on and on and on and on and... *BANG*

I fricking hate Seline Deon. Her voice is extremely annoying to me. More annoying than her weird extremely long looks. It's like the world constantly views her through a funhouse mirror.

This post wasn't even about that. But I have ADD.

What I was trying to say is that my heart will somehow go on beating even though I didn't pick up the "you might be a redneck if..." bulbs for my CHRISTMAS(r)** tree. I was thinking to myself, Self, we don't need any CHRISTMAS ornaments. We have a pathetically thin 6ft tall tree that we (royal we) purchased at the dollar store for twenty dollars last year. Well, it doesn't look too pathetic, really. It's kind of fine, once you fluff it up and stuff. But it's very narrow and doesn't hold a lot of bulbs and things. But I resisted the Jeff Foxworthy ornaments not only because of my desire to not have too much unnecessary "stuff," but because I didn't want to declare to the world that I'm a big fat redneck, only I aint as pretty as Gretchen Wilson.

Shit, I even made James put back the Ford Racing steering wheel cover, even though it really was all nice and squishy and stuff, and that steering wheel can be a mite cold in the winter (by mite cold I mean get out the ice scraper and remove the remainder of your busted off frozen fingers so yuo can take them to the ER to be reattached)...but I wasn't ready to declair (which is like an eclair but different--both have fluffy crusts but only one has filling) to the entire world that I am a big fat redneck that's parked in front of the TV watching NASCAR on sundays. And on saturdays when they're showing the Busch race. And how I'd probably shrivel up and die in front of my tv and flunk out of school if I had the Speed Network. Like holy crap! There's a Busch qualifier on! MUST. WATCH. PEOPLE. GO. AROUND. IN. CIRCLES.

So, basically, I don't want people to know I'm a closet redneck. I dont have shit on my porch, my lawn's mowed. I don't have any funny looking step-children running around.


So then why the hell did we buy the Dale Earnhardt Jr. figurine ornament? I mean, the Batmobile one I can see. While the batmobile has nothing to do with Jesus, it's just fucking cool. And... it'll need company on the tree and stuff. Or something. We'll end up putting them next to each other. As if Dale's pasty white-whiteness will somehow offset Grim and Grumpy's Awesomobile(r)*

*The trademark's mine, bitches!!! (well, not really. I never actually, y'know, applied for it or anything, but stupid little things like the law should never get in the way of a good rant)

** First of all, I think someone should trademark CHRISTMAS and make money off of it every time someone says CHRISTMAS. They'd have made like thirty five cents off of my post. Second, from now until the actual holiday, and perhaps throughout the entire CHRISTMAS season up until the Epiphany, CHRISTMAS will be in capital letters, possibly bolded, italiciczed or even color coded (I like saying coated though. It makes it sound like asprin. Like I'm color coating words for your protection). CHRISTMAS will be boldified only because it pisses people off, and that's what we're all about here. By we, I mean me. By here, I mean in my pants. By in my pants, I mean in my back jean pocket. Get your mind out of the gutter.


Blogger HMC said...

Ow. The color boldified font hurts my eyes and NASCAR hurts my brain. =(

9:27 AM  

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