Saturday, November 19, 2005

...Turn left at the red mailbox.

Not left-left, just not straight. If you go left-left, you'll end up some place else.

That's usually how people give directions in Pittsburgh. You can't say things like "Go half a mile west, then turn south onto 22nd street." That doesn't work. Because in that half a mile, the street you're on goes in a circle, through a tunnel, and the street changes names seven times. That's just like in the 'Burgh. I still have no concept of north, south, east, west, unless the sun is rising or setting. Even then it's kinda spotty.

That being said--I can't fricking get around Kansas. And you know what? I dont even see it as a personal failing on my part, that I can't get around a state that's laid out in a pretty little grid. Everything looks the same. I swear to God, I only got to the gym today because I counted the oil pumps, man-made lakes and houses with weird garbage cans. Even then I passed the place because I couldn't see the sign. It was obstructed by some freak of nature tree that still had leaves on it. And I only knew I passed it because James told me if I passed walmart, I'd gone too far.

Sidenote... ever notice how if someone asks for directions, and you really have no clue, you can just say "it's down near the starbucks," and they'll leave you alone? Walmarts are getting to be like that. Not only is there a walmart in the parking lot of the super walmart, but there's a starbucks in each. I'm skerd.

Back to my regularly scheduled rant.

What was I saying?? Oh yeah. Kansas, you people need some landmarks.

Oh, I also discovered why everyone's cars are dirty out here. Well, yes, they get dirty because of all the dirt and gravel roads. But folks don't wash 'em, because that thick layer of dirt not only obscures the license plate number so you can commit any number of hideous crimes, and forms a protective layer around the car so that when you get hit with flying rocks, it only makes a scratch in the dust, and not in the glass or paint. I think this is genious.

BTW, my sister in law apparently operates on cowboy time. She said she'd be here at noon, it is now 12:54, and I detect an extreme lack of sister in law.

Cowboy time=We'll get there when we get there.

Uhh... that's about it. I'm kinda dirty, so I'm gunna go bathe and put on my new "earth shoes" that I got from walmart last night. I wasn't gunna buy them because they're all yuppy-like. Especially with a name like "earth shoes" but the box says they're Gen-u-ine leather, and I like the idea that an animal died so that I could walk around in comfy, water-proof shoes. My only regret is that it wasn't a dolphin.

Oh yeah, and I saw this really weird animal today. I passed a whole bunch of non-anorexic cows. They wern't hollywood cows, I guess you could say. Then I passed this one cow or thing, or whatever that was like not a buffalo, as far as I could tell, but it was three times the size of a cow, was the color of a twinkie and had curly hair like bull on the Elmer's glue bottle. I mean, I was like frightened. Maybe it was a were-cow.


Blogger HMC said...

Yeah, but what kind of crimes could you really commit in Kansas? Is there anything worth stealing/vandalizing?

Mmm...cow. Delicious Kansas steaks...

7:45 AM  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home