Thursday, November 24, 2005

Where are they now?

Back in the early 90's, Donkey Kong thought he found true love with the princess. And for a time, she loved him in return. Until a plumber tried to come between them.

[reenactment]
"I have found true love!" the princess cried out to Luigi.

Luigi, still holding the gun on Donkey, looked over at the princess. "But he's a monkey!"

Moving between her lover Donkey and the crazed plumber that she'd happened to give head to once or twice in exchange for power pellets, the princess told him that Donkey was an ape. And he had a really long shlong.

"That's because he's a-an ape!"

Still, the princess wouldn't move. "I've already called the police, they're on their way!"

It took Luigi years to get over her. In the mean time, he took up with another one of his power pellet clients, Mrs. Pacman. This went on for years under Mr. Pacman's nose, until the purple ghost next door suggested that Packy Jr. didn't look so much like his asian father as the olive-skinned plumber that always seemed to have work to do over his house.

The next day, Mr. Pacman came home in the middle of his work day to see if his growing suspicions were true. And yes, there in their wedding bed, he found Luigi Mario and Mrs Pacman. She was already high at ten in the morning, and he was doing unspeakable things to her. Things he'd only heard about in boarding school.

Taking the cerimonial ax off the mantle in the bedroom, Mr. Pacman lunged at Luigi, prepared to turn him into fertilizer, a maniacal look in his eye. Mrs. Pacman screamed, but with a flash and a bang, it was over. Mr. Pacman lay dead in a puddle of his own blood and Luigi sat up in bed, thick Italian hair covering over his naughty bits, the smoking gun still in his hand.

Mrs. Pacman broke it off with Luigi soon after, unable to look at her husband's killer any longer. It did not stop her pellet abuse, however. In fact, the problem became so bad that her second child, daughter Pacca, was born addicted to power pellets. Mrs. Pacman began trading sexual favors for pellets on street corners, leaving the children alone with the family pet, dinosaur Yoshi for days at a time. The children were removed from the home by child protective services within a year.

Mrs. Pacman tried to clean up her life, but after being in and out of treatment for nearly three years with only minimal visitation rights, Mrs. Pacman overdosed on power pellets and methanphedamines just after one of her supervised visits with her children.

Pacca, now twenty-three leads a clean life, teaching children about the dangers of substance abuse.

"Yeah. I don't really remember her, so I don't have too much to be angry with her about. I've made my peace with her absence, and with the types of foster homes I had to grow up in, thanks to her. I've also made my fair share of mistakes because of the stuff I went through. But all I can do is look to the future. My daughter Pikachu is going to have a better life than I did, because I'm going to to be a better mother than mine was. My brother... wasn't so lucky. I haven't heard from him in ten years, and the the last I heard, he was living on the streets in LA. Packy, if you hear this, please come home. We all love you."

In this file footage from an interview given in 1994, Packy Pacman explains his relationship with his mother.

"God, she was always high. Like, ALWAYS. I remember one time, I asked for a bowl of cerial, and she gave me a bowl of power pellets, and poured beer all over it. That was the first time I did power pellets. I was like, eight. I figured it was either eat the pellets, or go hungry. And when you start doing power pellets, then it's just a hop skip and a jump to magic coins, magic rings... magic mushrooms. I was so *bleep*ing high, I don't remember most of school. I'm clean now. I think. I don't know, times're still rough. I can't really keep a job. My attention span's shot. I'm still sleeping on my buddy Sonic's couch. He's been great. He really has his sh*bleep* together."

But Packy wasn't as sober as he thought he was. Within a month of giving the interview, he was found in a gutter outside of the local arcade, overdosed. He spent six weeks in rehab and was clean for a time, but soon reverted to a life his friend Sonic T. Hedgehog no longer could support. On the streets the last time anyone heard, Packy ceased contact with his friends and loved ones in 1995.

What became of the princess?

She and Donkey Kong stayed together for a time. They were briefly married, but parted ways when Luigi's relationship with Mrs. Pacman faltered. Out of some kind of pity, Luigi was moved to take in his former lover's pet dinosaur, Yoshi, rather than allow the remarkable animal that had cared for two small children unassisted for nearly a year be put to sleep.

Luigi was pleased, of course, with his reunion with the princess. It did create conflicts with his brother, Mario Mario, who had found some small bit of fame doing bit parts in Domino's pizza commercials, and even his own cerial. Mario and Luigi had both been in love with the princess since high school, a rivalry that continued even into adulthood.

The princess appeared to really love Luigi, however, despite the constant conflicts with Mario. When Mario hit rough times after being bumped from the limelight by Sega Genesis and PC compatable gaming, the princess allowed him to move in with her and Luigi until he was back up on his feet.

Luigi and the princess had several uneventful years together, until an Easter Sunday Mariocart wreck in the San Jose valley which killed another driver. The princess was unhurt, but Luigi suffered extensive soft-tissue damage and as a consequence spent several months off of his job as a contract plumber. It was during this time that he discovered the princess' real interest in him.

After a new treatment involving cortizone shots, Luigi felt well enough to join the princess for breakfast in the main dining room of her family castle. Wanting to surprise his long-time girlfriend, Luigi came to breakfast unannounced. It was then that he saw the princess and his beloved pet Yoshi in an overly friendly position on the dining room table involving whipped cream and peanut butter.

Luigi was crushed, and the couple broke up shortly thereafter. Due to his injuries, Luigi was forced to sell his contracting business, but after surgery made leaping over ledges without pain possible again, he went to work for his brother, where he is now shop manager.

The princess and Yoshi have since moved to Vermont, where human-dinosaur relations are legal.

1 Comments:

Blogger HMC said...

That was awesome!

9:30 AM  

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