Everything but the game
But... there's this one thing that happens on the network telecasts of NFL football that grinds on my nerves like fingers on a cheese grater. The. Gratuitous. Shots. Of. Football. Players. On. The. Sidelines. With. Their. Hands. On. Their. Hips.
MAKES ME NUTS.
It's like, when I was in high school, and I figured out if they cut out the half hour of "Quality Resource Time" (a glorified study hall in which you couldn't actually study or do homework), lunch, all the wasted time between classes, all the wasted time getting everyone in class to shush and behave, group activities and waiting for everyone else to finish, and the wasted five or ten minutes at the end of class where everyone was congregating near the door, waiting for the bell... the school day would be about two hours long, and I'd have five more hours a day to do shit that wasn't lame or stupid. It's like that. But with football.
Think about it. How much football could you get in if you weren't standing there with your hands on your hips, waiting for the network break to end, the never-ending time out to end, the ref in the funny little booth to watch the play fifty seven different times on the challenged play to end, or even eeeeevery time the clock stops. Run out of bounds, sneeze while you're lining up, the clock stops. Oh and God forbid a flag get thrown. That just makes the clock stop for even longer. I could cook a turkey in the time that the clock is stopped on some of these penalties, the worst of which being the dreaded red flag...
...Anyways... It'd be a hell of a lot of football in the three or four hours usually alotted by the network for the game. Shit. Think about how long it'd take you to play a 60 minute game, without the guys with their hands on their hips for minutes on end? I dont know... Like... 60 minutes. Then we could get on with our lives. With the constant stopping and starting, it just ruins the flow and the suspense and the drama.
Which is why I like watching games on the NFL network. Sixty minutes, including commercials, so it isn't the full sixty minutes of play. And it starts off with the dramatic build-up, the grounds crew shoveling snow out of the aisles, sun rising over the stadium in Denver, "flashbacks" to last week's games highlights and lowlights, the pregame baloons floating up to the sky, the lady on the horse (why don't we have a lady on a horse? Or cute girls in short skirts and hard hats?)... the pregame talkup on the sidelines, finally, the music, the slo-mo, the deep-voiced narrator. Some plays, some plays repeated at different angles at even slower mo, closeups on guys on the sidelines, shiny faces frowning in concentration, commentary from the sidelines, post-game celebration in the locker room... There aint a whole lot of game going on here either, but it's got flow and suspense, and moves a hell of a lot faster.
Hey, sometimes it's not about the game, so much as the story behind the play. But I know one thing for certain, it aint about long shots of big, over-padded asses with hips holding up hands. Thank GOD for the only channel on my cable box more gratuitous than the SPEED Network. Thank you, NFL network, you are ROXOR!!!111oneoneoneone.