New Years Resolution -or- There's Always Lent
There're a lot of times I lack a genuine reaction to things. I usually just react the way I think a "normal" person would react. I'm not sure why there's a disconnect. Either I need to cultivate my best Olivier standing in front of the mirror, practicing the facial gestures of how a thankful and gracious person would react to a complement, or I need to somehow drudge that emotion up from within me. Unfortunately it's burried so deep, Uta Hagan would probably haveta get a core sampling drill.
Instead of being pleased that someone else is pleased that my performance was good, story was good, did a good job cooking, etc. I get this deer in the headlights kind of feeling. I panic, flat out. Mostly this happens if they complement me in person. The Intarweb allows me to be a bit more detached and not panic over what emotion a "sane" person would portray. Instead of getting my stomach all up in knots, it'd be nice if I could just be happy that they were happy.
What brought about this maudlin mulling over my complete brokenness as a human being (I should be taken back to the factory, and someone should demand a refund. Like Coleman air mattresses, I come with a lifetime warentee), you ask? I don't remember exactly... no wait, I do. My aunt asked me if I was late to my grandmother's party (still waiting to find out why my grandfather held a sit-in protest in his own kitchen over the party). My aunt asked if I was late because of work. I said no, I had a voice lesson, but I was going to work after the party. And she said "well, you always did have a good voice, even as a little kid. So when should we sign you up?"
Besides the *plink plink* my eyes were doing at the "sign you up" portion of that remark (turned out she was having this weird American Idol conversation with our waiter, whos rock band--which was aparently really popular in europe but totally unknown here-- she happened to see in Germany the last time she was there, and whom she recognised immediately--totally small world. I digress)... I was having the mental hyperventalation that comes with someone saying something nice. Instead of saying "thank you, I'm glad you think so," I kind of chuckled and muttered "I dunno," and invested myself whole-heartedly in pouring four ounces of wine into my glass. Must. Say. "Thank you." Some day I'm going to figure out how.
And not "thank you, I'm glad you think so." And that can't be in my tone of voice. Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed it. Or thank you, and thanks for noticing. Maybe I need to practice in front of my mirror :)